Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
