if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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