I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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