My sheets look like a crime scene.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
