if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
