my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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