I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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