Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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