Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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