Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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