Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
