yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
