You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Randomize
