My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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