I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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