I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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