just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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