remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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