I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
