): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
