my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
