My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
