Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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