You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
