my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
