Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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