My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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