my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
