How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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