I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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