My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
