What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
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