Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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