The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
