New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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