remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
