Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
