have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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