seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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