The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
