"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize