You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
