There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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