she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
