I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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