just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We are all done wearing pants today
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
