im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
third nipple confirmed
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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