textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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