so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
