don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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