Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
