not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
