man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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