Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
