i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
