I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
