I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
