It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
